Banana Nutrament

6/30/2005
Siren Festival Breakdown

Everything has been announced except for perhaps a final band. Oooh, could it be Arcade Fire? Yawn.


Ambulance Ltd
Oh no, call me an ambulance, I just got dateraped in the bathroon of The Delancey and now
my hair is no longer jauntily askew.

Diamond Nights

I would rather listen to Star Jones make fat juicy queefs.

Morningwood
Too easy.

Quintron and Miss Pussycat
I own a theremin and a Tesla coil. You are a third rate dominatrix. Let's make crap music together.

Spoon
Just go to the retirement home and die already, you're stealing our oxygen.

Mates of State
For years now this sickeningly sweet couple has engaged in Cold War style brinkmanship of cute. Henry Kissinger needs
to teach them detente.

Brendan Benson
I hope
you contract cancer. Not that there is anything funny about cancer. But I will find it deliciously hilarious when Mercury Lounge throws a benefit to raise money for your chemotherapy and no one shows up.

Dungen
I waited patiently backstage at the Vice Magazine CMJ showcase to see you guys. Ryan McGinley kept bumping into me trying to get the perfect shot when you took the stage. You sucked because the bass player smoked too much pot and you even admitted it to the audience. Here's a litle primer: in New York City marijuana comes in a tiny little plastic box, is exorbitantly priced, and is extremely potent. You don't mix it with tobacco, nor do you share it with homeless people in the Vondelspark.

VHS or Beta
Like I'
m going to listen to Daft Punk clones from a Kentucky backwater. We all know VHS won. But they play their own instruments? It's organic, man.

Q and not U
Ian MacKaye and Dischord lost 35 cred points when they associated themselves with
you losers. And that's in addition to the massive point total Dischord hemorrhaged for selling out to Nike.

The Dears
Be a dear and shut the fuck up, you whiny bitches.

Nine Black Alps
Much like the Pete Doherty deal, the NME gets 20% of everything they earn.

Be Your Own Pet
Be your own one hit wonder that no one will remember next year. Oh wait, you don't even have a hit.


Saul Williams
I guess Gil Scott Heron is in jail for coke posession again, so instead we get this guy.

Detachment Kit
I hope you don't have children, for I shall be forced to hate them as much as you.


Why does Chicago get such a well curated summer concert fest while we get an eighth rate beer bash? And what is Chicago, the Home of Jazz? Funny, Kansas City claims the same thing. As does New Orleans. New York could care less about this accolade, for we are the Cradle of Rock. Why do the provincials get the Intonation festival? New York City is where bands are made, and we are the kingmakers. We dictate what some kid in Peoria will listen to three years from now. I remember giving The Killers a pass and now some girl in Salt Lake City is losing her virginity to Mr. Brightside right now. Why, just the other day I snuffed out Annie's career by writing an excoriating review of her Hiro Ballroom show. Do not trifle with us Village Voice, do not make us MP3bloggerati gods angry!