Banana Nutrament

Worst of 2005

Captain Beefheart
No matter how many reissues are put out, he still sounds like a pederast downing a fifth of cheap bourbon at confessional. Is he deconstructing the blues or rubbing his guitar strings on his crotch? He has all the gravitas of an inflatable cactus.

If you end up signing to Sub Pop I will burn my complete Singles Club collection (M-/VG+).

Antony and the Johnstons
I saw Antony coming out of Welcome to the Johnstons and his wig got snagged on the doorjamb.

Tom Waits
The apogee of phoniness. I think he gargled Roto Rooter after reading Kerouac. Then he fell asleep on a cold railroad track but lived. Too bad. Joe Strummer hated you also.

Trachtenberg Family Circus
Your twelve year old drummer plays at a ten year old level.

David Bowie sans Brian Eno
Obviously without Eno you are a fraud. Except for that time you stood next to me at Knitting Factory.

The Fiery Furnaces
I earn some money on the side doing audio design, as I am gifted with a superlative sense of hearing. While working the soundboard at Northsix one night, I had to suffer through a Fiery Furnaces set. Every song was alliterative, I don't think I've ever sighed that much in one night. Eleanor, your brother is tethering you to loserdom. Ditch him, get in touch, and I'll let you try out for my band.

TV on the Radio
I've always wanted to hear a Guided by Voices tribute band merged with a barbershop quartet. But nice of them to include a token white guy.

The Fab Faux
Hey we work at Fidelity Investments! But we were too young for Beatlemania! Let's go to Bowery Ballroom! It's on the corporate card!

Pink Floyd
Syd Barrett has more genius in the left pinky fingernail he just ingested than all of you put together.

The only people who go to a Merzbow show are wannabe music critics, loser "noize dudes" with dreaded beards, and record store clerks with such acute autism that they had to wear padded helmets in grade school.

RA-SA Creative Partners
Fine, you get points for being black but dont' try to steal Sun Ra's name. Also, are you remixers or an advertising agency?

The Mooney Suzuki
No rock critics would take you seriously so you renamed your band after Can just to get their attention. You suck.

Ryan Adams
Summer of '69 is just OK. Whiskeytown sucked.

Pete Townshend
I'll admit I paid $400 on eBay for his 7" split with Gary Glitter, but it was an utter disappointment.