Banana Nutrament

My Name is Lobot and I am a White Slave

Some accuse George Lucas of being a closet fascist. Untrue. Many an African-American comedian has commented that Chewbacca is Han Solo's manservant. This is simply not so, Chewbacca is bound not by the manacles of oppression, but by a life debt owed to Mr. Solo. There is however, a seamier, more disturbing undercurrent running through the Star Wars trilogy.

Mr. Lucas tacitly endorses white slavery in his filmwork.

Although he skirts the issue in Empire Strikes Back, it is true, I am a white slave, grateful only to know that Lucas has spared you from seeing the harsher punishments meted out to me. For Lando Calrissian is my cruel master, having fitted me with a Compuslave TK-421 Obedience Helmet, he controls my every move by releasing or witholding sex drukqs into my orbital hemisphere. Listed below are some of the cruelties I have endured at Calrissian's hands:

His pouring of bitter, burning cold carbonite onto my genitals.

His making me dress in billowing puffy sleeved shirts, which he refers to as "Lobot's silkies and dainties".

His hiring of IG-88 to work me over a desk, which he watched via closed circuit holoprojector.

My constant endurance of Ugnaughts whose hands are a little too friendly with my tush.

His making me groom his moustache daily, and the plucking of the nostril hair.

My inability to make it out of bed in the morning without Calrissian's release of sex drukqs via remote control. Sometimes he forgets.

The time he made me retrieve Luke Skywalker's severed hand, only to force me to pleasure myself with it.

If my experiences are not enough proof for you, look at the rest of the trilogy. When Leia is forced to become Jabba the Hutt's concubine, what is she made to wear? Yes, a hot slave ho costume. And when Solo was abducted by Boba Fett, what vehicle did they depart in? Yes, the (white) Slave I.

Or look the rest of Lucas' filmography. That guy in THX-1192 is a white slave, and Ron Howard in American Graffiti was a total slave to the fashion of the 1950's.

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