Banana Nutrament



= Scotchlostomy Bag

We celebrated the birthday of a certain Banana Nutrament comment troll by taking him out to a Mets game this weekend. Great day for a game, unfortunately the Mets got owned, but we got see Dontrelle Willis of the Marlins pitch a complete game shutout.

I decided I was going in with a metal flask of Jameson's. It's not that I'm a cheapskate, though $6.25 Coor Lights aren't all that tempting. The issue was that I have grown accustomed to swilling scotch as I watch baseball at home, and knew something would be missing if I didn't bring some. I had a little
trouble getting in through security, I could either go through a line with a man wanding everyone or receive a pat down search. I panicked a little, at the last second transferred my flask to a plastic bag with which I was carrying peanuts and two hats. I got through easily, quite heartening to know I could smuggle in a Glock that way.

I figured I'd be caught and then would just hand over the cheap flask to them. The worst thing that could happen would be that they would take my ticket and then eject me immediately. In that scenario I would simply go over to another gate and pay the $15 dollars to get back in and find my friends. But what if one was at a Yankees playoff game and had only a single chance to get in? What if you bought scalped tickets that cost $400?

Solution: The Scotchlostomy Bag.

While idly swirling the ice cubes of my Pepsi and Jameson's (quite good actually) I pondered this important question, how best to smuggle scotch? What I came up with is the scotchlostomy bag. One would take a standard issue hospital IV drip bag, or if you were hardcore, an actual colostomy bag that had been boiled and disinfected, and fill it up with 200-400 CC's of Irish treat. Yes, I actually do know Jameson's is a whiskey, but let's not be anal (no pun intended). One could also fill up the attached tubing too, to squeeze in an extra half a shot. I would recommend attaching it to a leg, with tubing running up to the torso. While being searched one could preemptively tell the guard about this medical condition, and I have a feeling if warned he wouldn't pat down too hard. If anyone actually asked for pants to be taken off to check out the apparatus, one could boldly show off what would look to be a bag full of brownish piss. I hope to patent this idea and sell it through a cable infomercial, but until then feel free to create your own.

Minor Threat - Asshole Dub
**Buy this here, hopefully some of the money will go to sue Nike**

Hollertronix - Who Are These Assholes?