My $250 Grillion Dollar Powerball Ticket


Somewhere in New Jersey resides a $250 million dollar lottery ticket holder totally oblivious to the unclaimed windfall they have just walked into.

Here's what I would do if I came into that much money:


Only eat ice cream made from human breast milk.

Pay an African-American dwarf $200,000 a year to be my human lawn jockey.

Hire one of those Suicide Girls to come over to my house, strip, give me a lap dance, and then actually commit suicide.

Check into a retirement home at age 28.

Buy a major metropolitan newspaper, fire all the writers and editorial staff whose opinions I disagree with, sell the newspaper at a profit, repeat.

Get Tommy John surgery just for fun.

Buy a warehouse full of Girl Scout cookies so I can eat them year round.

Breed a Chihuahua with a Great Dane to see what comes out.

Choreograph a Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders routine in which they just ticklefight each other.

Offer Conor Oberst a million dollars to get a laryndectomy. Same goes for Billy Corgan and that Bright Eyes guy.

Hire the world's most high-priced assassin to hunt down the world's most expensive ninja, and vice versa.

Pay Scarlet Johansson to proposition me for sex and then refuse her.

Spin a globe and install a puppet regime wherever my finger falls.

Snuff out any any music writer at The Wire who has described an artist's work using the word "godhead".

Have Lance Armstrong teach my son how to ride a bike for me.

Buy a majority share of eBay stock, wrest control from the board, then sell the company on eBay.

Build a Coliseum for my panda gladiators.


Charles Bronson - Rich Crusties Must Pay
**Buy it at Musicstack**

West Coast Pop Art Experimental Band - Until the Poorest of People Have Money to Spend
**Buy it at Sundazed**

Noam Chomsky - Automation Protecting the Rich from Market Discipline
**Buy it at Downloadpunk**